The fire

Lust is an interesting thing. It fans your flames & can send you up in smoke. But if you let it simmer… let it build…  Oh, it’ll warm & caress you in unimaginable ways.

That’s where I am now. One of the guys I’ve been seeing drives me crazy. We’ve only met in person twice but every time, I feel my lust notch higher. His voice, mouth & hands drive me crazy. I think mainly because he’s never touched me intimately. We’ve only simply shared a hug & I’m personally fine with that. I’m enjoying my attraction far more than I think I’d enjoy the intimacy.

He fascinates me. Truly. It’s been a while since that’s happened. I wish I had the energy to sit & moon over him but I’ve been down this road before. So, I’ll continue protecting my heart & vagina until this heat passes or becomes too hot to hold.

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Seeking a collar

I want an owner. I want to be collared again. I’m craving it relentlessly. It’s slowly becoming an obsession. All I do is lurk on fetlife, too scared to seek what I need. Because that’s what it is now. A need. I’m back in a place in my life where I need not only the collar but all that comes with it. The surrender, trust & acts themselves.

It’ll be different this time because there are certain changes that have happened in my life that will make me have to shuffle and compromise now. Before, I could threw myself into The Life. This time around, I’ll have to tiptoe and I’m scared about how that’ll pan out.

Fed Up

I’m exhausted. Between the baby, maternity leave, money woes, & feeling lonely; I’m not in the best of headspace. I have all these plans but can’t pursue them because I’m letting others tie my energy down. I can’t let them go by the wayside because they’re family. You never leave family behind. Never. The only things that have worked out is getting the leave insurance so I have a source of money & recently got a car. That’s half the battle. If I can move out of this horribly expensive apartment, then I’d basically be on top. I’ve been planning to move to Italy for a year in 2016. It’ll be a huge change: learning the language, securing a job, getting the baby (well toddler then) settled. I’m excited about doing it. I feel like it’ll be what I need.

Phantom Love

I’m in love. I feel in love with life. I’ve been hiding from my feelings for a long time and now I’m starting to feel like myself. Or what I’ve felt I should always be. I just see so many experiences that I need to try and that I need to do. And I’m grateful that I finally feel like this. Depression had me in its grip for so long that I thought I wasn’t going to climb out. I did though. I clawed out and the grass is actually greener. I can breathe and there is lightness to me. A buoyancy that I hadn’t had before and I’m so thankful for it. May I continue going down this path. Ashe.

Leap Before Looking

I am terrified. I have felt that I am being forced to a crossroads. It won’t necessarily be bad but it will be traumatic and/or life-changing. I have come to terms with my eternal restlessness. Nothing has ever really lasted with me as everything is a cycle but I can’t help but notice the amount of restlessness that I’m experiencing.

So this is leading me to search. For what though? Love? That’s always a main motive in my life. Career? I’m very happy with what I have right now. Is my skin just not fitting right anymore? Could I be entering a new phase now that everything major has been settled? This is driving me batty. I’ve been meditating a lot to try to offset this feeling but no dice. I think I’m going to have to ride this out and see what I can get out of it.

Writer’s block?

I tried a different tactic than I usually do when I write. I typically handwrite everything out and then type it as a way to edit. This story has been nibbling at my mind for the last couple of weeks so I finally decided to let it out. I chose to type it out to avoid the doubling process. Wrong. Move. The whole story trickled to a stop after five paragraphs. Just died. I couldn’t connect to the words or story. I wonder if I’m doomed to just have to handwrite each story?

A Four-Page Letter

I sent a letter to an old lover as a goodbye. I knew that if I saw him in person, my willpower would be nonexistent. It was to be a short few paragraphs but flowed into three pages of why I took this route and why it was necessary.

All of my adult life, I knew him as the ONE. The All had decided that he was my soulmate and had put us together fairly early. I was barely eighteen when I met him but I knew in my heart, he was it. Needless to say, he spent years happy with me before he decided to buck this knowledge.

As with all young love, we parted. And I felt as if I’d had my spirit ripped. He hovered in every relationship I had, dooming them to die. When we got back together, he did all he could to test my love and loyalty. Needless to say, you can only kick someone down so many times.

Hence why the letter was written. I’m finally in a place where I can see how far we had changed and whether I was going to continue to swallow his bitter medicine or seek my rightful spot. While I still vehemently wish he’ll get it right, I no longer want to be with him. I’ve come to far to not be seen and appreciated for what I’ve become.

I’ve grown and stretched in so many ways and to have to not acknowledge my hard earned efforts and lessons is to not be valued in my entirety. I wish him well. Maybe we’ll meet in another lifetime where he won’t be afraid of who he is or what he can accomplish.

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