Redemption Song

I’m in love again. I tried not be. I really did try. Nearly two weeks ago, I officially said goodbye to an old flame. My heart closed itself from him and it was a relief. I was worried that I would allow him to drag me down always. Thankfully, through a series of bizarre events, I managed to close the door. Literally the next day, I accepted a promise ring from a beloved friend of mine. (I call him Rupert as our inside joke.) I had dated Rupert once and never really stopped loving him. I let it change to the warmth of friendship because i had to get myself straight first. Long story short, I didn’t. I fell apart & went through a lot.
For some reason or another, I accepted the ring because it felt right. I did hem & haw before accepting because I wanted him to understand the gravity of it. He was promising alot and I wanted him to be sure of it. I don’t commit idly. I’ve only had 2 serious relationships in my life. Rupert was one of them. I know at the end of the day he’ll support me in all that I’ll ever do. He has been my biggest champion & my strongest ally. I would’ve lost hope numerous times without him. He’s dependable, loyal & he loves me.  For me. I want to spend my life with him. I only pray the Goddess sees fit to answer that plea.

(Rupert, if you ever read this: I love you. Always & always.)

Halloween, Ho shit & Horror stories

For the first time, I went super sexy for Halloween. I typically go cutesy but I chose a body con mermaid outfit this year. I loved it. I felt glamourous & sexy for the first time in a long time.

Ho shit: verb. The act of being a ho. It was way fucking easier to randomly fuck when I was younger. The bouncing from bed to bed thing now makes me feel old and crotchety. I just want my bed and my kindle.

American horror story is my new favorite show. I want to squeal and jump at every new thing they roll out with. Such a good show.

Right Track

So, I finished my first week at my new career & I must admit I fell in love with it. The people are nice, the work is just challenging enough and I just enjoy it there. I wake up and am so happy to get there. I feel like everything is finally getting into place now that I’ve gotten rid of a lot of extra in my life. Simplifying myself and taking a look at my life has done wonders. If you’ve never meditated, I recommend you start right away. The clarity you get: amazing.

Release

I cried today. I cried so hard that I knew without a doubt that it was a heart purge. I cried out every injustice he & I had done to each other. I sobbed until I hiccuped and couldn’t breathe right. Then I meditated. I sought peace and it found me without having to ask. It settled in my heart like a balm. I knew that this was right. He and I could never be no matter how hard he & I forced it. Despite our attempts and earnestness, we knew in our souls that we were wrong together. Sometimes that soulmate was not yours to keep. They were there to get you started on that road and to let you know that everything will come to you. Love found you to promise you an even greater love was on its way. A reminder that you are worthy and that it will find you again.

Material Girl

With all the upheaval that’s going on in my life, I’m falling back on my old security blanket: shoes. I have been a shoe addict since I was 10. Especially high heels. (L-O-V-E). Shoes are the one thing I can count on. So I’ve been revamping my closet & taking inventory/altering everything. I’m finally at a weight & size where I feel confident being myself. Yeah I could lose some more weight & I probably will as I continue my exercise routines, but right now I feel GREAT. I have the shape that fits the vintage style I’ve been trying to achieve.

I’ve chosen to go back to ankle strap heels. I dabbled in pumps & slingbacks but never seen to master walking in them. It feels as if I’m rediscovering myself through my choices.

A Reprieve

Thanks to a great & dear friend, I was granted a little wiggle room. While it doesn’t solve all of my problems, it gave me such a ridiculous peace of mind that I cried. I cried until my head hurt. I exorcised everything: my faults, mistakes, decisions. I feel like I washed everything clean and I’m ready to start again.

Under Pressure

I’ve literally reached my end. I will state here and now that I will never be as low as I am now. This is bottom and I’m digging further down still. Everything is going to hell via overnight express and I can’t stop it. I would love to place blame elsewhere but it’s me. I’m literally responsible. I will never be this way again. Never.

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