A Four-Page Letter

I sent a letter to an old lover as a goodbye. I knew that if I saw him in person, my willpower would be nonexistent. It was to be a short few paragraphs but flowed into three pages of why I took this route and why it was necessary.

All of my adult life, I knew him as the ONE. The All had decided that he was my soulmate and had put us together fairly early. I was barely eighteen when I met him but I knew in my heart, he was it. Needless to say, he spent years happy with me before he decided to buck this knowledge.

As with all young love, we parted. And I felt as if I’d had my spirit ripped. He hovered in every relationship I had, dooming them to die. When we got back together, he did all he could to test my love and loyalty. Needless to say, you can only kick someone down so many times.

Hence why the letter was written. I’m finally in a place where I can see how far we had changed and whether I was going to continue to swallow his bitter medicine or seek my rightful spot. While I still vehemently wish he’ll get it right, I no longer want to be with him. I’ve come to far to not be seen and appreciated for what I’ve become.

I’ve grown and stretched in so many ways and to have to not acknowledge my hard earned efforts and lessons is to not be valued in my entirety. I wish him well. Maybe we’ll meet in another lifetime where he won’t be afraid of who he is or what he can accomplish.

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Redemption Song

I’m in love again. I tried not be. I really did try. Nearly two weeks ago, I officially said goodbye to an old flame. My heart closed itself from him and it was a relief. I was worried that I would allow him to drag me down always. Thankfully, through a series of bizarre events, I managed to close the door. Literally the next day, I accepted a promise ring from a beloved friend of mine. (I call him Rupert as our inside joke.) I had dated Rupert once and never really stopped loving him. I let it change to the warmth of friendship because i had to get myself straight first. Long story short, I didn’t. I fell apart & went through a lot.
For some reason or another, I accepted the ring because it felt right. I did hem & haw before accepting because I wanted him to understand the gravity of it. He was promising alot and I wanted him to be sure of it. I don’t commit idly. I’ve only had 2 serious relationships in my life. Rupert was one of them. I know at the end of the day he’ll support me in all that I’ll ever do. He has been my biggest champion & my strongest ally. I would’ve lost hope numerous times without him. He’s dependable, loyal & he loves me.  For me. I want to spend my life with him. I only pray the Goddess sees fit to answer that plea.

(Rupert, if you ever read this: I love you. Always & always.)

Release

I cried today. I cried so hard that I knew without a doubt that it was a heart purge. I cried out every injustice he & I had done to each other. I sobbed until I hiccuped and couldn’t breathe right. Then I meditated. I sought peace and it found me without having to ask. It settled in my heart like a balm. I knew that this was right. He and I could never be no matter how hard he & I forced it. Despite our attempts and earnestness, we knew in our souls that we were wrong together. Sometimes that soulmate was not yours to keep. They were there to get you started on that road and to let you know that everything will come to you. Love found you to promise you an even greater love was on its way. A reminder that you are worthy and that it will find you again.